Alright, so gather ’round, folks, because I’ve got a tale to regale you with. Picture this: a dark and gloomy forest, the kind that gives you the creeps and makes you question your life choices. Somewhere deep within this ominous woodland resides a witch. Oh yes, you heard me right, a bona fide witch with all the warts and cackles you could ever dream of. Let’s call her Gertrude, because why not?
Now, Gertrude wasn’t your average fairytale witch; she didn’t spend her time brewing love potions or turning handsome princes into frogs. No, this witch had more important things to do—like perfecting her recipe for the crunchiest pickled newt eyes. You see, Gertrude was all about the culinary arts, just with a slightly macabre twist. Instead of finding solace in regular food like a normal person, she preferred to concoct peculiar dishes that would make even the most adventurous foodies run for the hills.
One fateful day, as Gertrude was gathering rare herbs to spice up her cauldron, she stumbled upon a talking squirrel named Percy. Now, this wasn’t your ordinary talking squirrel; he had a way with words that would put Shakespeare to shame. Percy had been cursed by an evil sorcerer (you know the type, they always have something against squirrels) and was desperately seeking help.
Being the kind-hearted (albeit twisted) witch she was, Gertrude agreed to assist poor Percy in breaking his curse. After all, what’s a little curse-breaking between friends? With a wave of her gnarled wand and a sprinkle of powdered unicorn horn (don’t ask where she got it), Gertrude managed to turn Percy back into his charming squirrel self. Good deed accomplished!
Word of Gertrude’s miraculous feat spread like wildfire through the enchanted forest, attracting all sorts of peculiar creatures seeking her aid. There were talking frogs in search of witty conversation partners, grumpy trolls looking for fashion advice, and even a dragon with terrible breath hoping for a fresh minty cure. Gertrude’s humble abode became the go-to spot for all the oddballs and misfits seeking help in this magical realm.
But let’s not forget, dear readers, that Gertrude was still a witch—quirky culinary interests and all. In between casting spells and helping hopeless cases, she found time to invent bizarre recipes that would make Gordon Ramsay gasp in sheer terror. Her famous “Batwing Tacos” became an instant hit among the local goblins, and her “Toadstool Pate” had fairies lining up for miles.
As Gertrude’s reputation grew, so did her clientele. Kings and queens from distant lands sought her services to solve their impossible problems. She was called upon to cure princesses with incurable sleeping disorders (turns out they just needed an alarm clock), and to brew potions that would render knights invincible (spoiler alert: they just needed a confidence boost).
Oh, and did I mention she had a pet fire-breathing hippopotamus named Sir Snortington? Yes, Gertrude seemed to attract strange companions like moths to a flame. Sir Snortington proved to be quite the loyal sidekick, devouring entire forests when he wasn’t busy keeping the neighborhood dragons in check. Together, they were an unstoppable force, wreaking havoc and helping those in need.
But as is often the case with these fantastical tales, danger lurked just around the corner. A wicked sorceress named Morgana (because of course her name had to be Morgana) grew envious of Gertrude’s popularity and decided to challenge her reign as the most sought-after problem-solver in the realm. Morgana summoned all her dark powers and set out to tarnish Gertrude’s name.
It started with rumors, whispered through the enchanted forest like a poisonous breeze. Morgana claimed that Gertrude’s potions were nothing but snake oil and her spells were as effective as a flea’s sneeze. The once adoring creatures who sought Gertrude’s help now turned their backs on her, flocking to Morgana’s side in search of a new savior.
Gertrude, devastated by this betrayal, retreated to her cottage. She embraced her solitude, spending her days perfecting recipes that no one would ever taste and brewing potions that would never be consumed. But Sir Snortington refused to let his beloved witch wallow in self-pity. With his mighty roar and fiery breath, he set off to reclaim Gertrude’s rightful place as the realm’s esteemed problem-solver.
As the new power struggle between Gertrude and Morgana unfolded, the enchanted forest quivered with anticipation. Creatures great and small picked sides, while woodland critters placed bets on who would emerge victorious. It was a high-stakes battle, full of spells, potions, and culinary masterpieces.
In the end, it was Gertrude’s unwavering determination and a stroke of luck that defeated Morgana’s evil plans. The creatures of the realm realized they had been duped and flocked back to Gertrude’s side, begging for her forgiveness. And being the benevolent (albeit slightly twisted) witch she was, Gertrude accepted their apologies with grace and resumed her role as the mystical problem-solver extraordinaire.
So, my friends, what have we learned from this sarcastic tale? That witches aren’t always wicked, and that even the most peculiar individuals can find their place in the world. And hey, if you’re ever in need of a crunchy pickled newt eye or a spell to fix your existential crisis, you know exactly where to find Gertrude the Witch. Just be prepared to embrace the weirdness, and remember, magic comes in all shapes and sizes.
Author: Opney. Illustrator: Stab. Publisher: Cyber.
